What is a 'Good Mother?'

I have been struggling with this for years. All the trans generational messages passed down to me from both sides of my family have always indicated that when you become a mother, your prime responsibility is to you child; i.e a career is not something associated with being a ‘good’ mother. Good mothers spend all their time with their children. They are physically there for them when their kids need them (when does a child not need their mother? I still need mine!). Is that even possible?

Last week, Number 2 was very sick; we were suspecting scarlet fever but it turned out to be a terrible stomach infection. The always-present knot in my stomach tightened at the thought of the coming days where work and motherhood would play a more intense tug of war. Guit. Guilt as a mother. Guilt as a person responsible for a business. My constant companion. My soul sister. No matter how hard I try to shed her, she sticks loyally to me refusing to let go. I have a pretty good deal. My work is my passion and the organisations I have worked for have always respected that. Work at home arrangements, flexible clocking in and clocking out have enabled me to give my best to work and my best to my kids. If this were not the case, I would not work. I have great household help to look after my kids when I’m not there, all who have been with me since before my babies were born. And yet, I spent the good part of last week crying myself to sleep, crying outside my office, crying before and after seeing clients (and I’m supposed to be a voice when it comes to Pregnancy and Parenting) at the thought of leaving my poor sick baby alone!

This piece is a result of two conversations I had with two of my closest girlfriends. The first one asked me why I work if it tears me up so much and this was my reply:

1.       To have something of my own so I don’t focus all my attention on my children (eventually they will outgrow me)

2.       To teach them to be independent – it is not possible for Mama to always be around

3.       To be a role model – it is important to pursue your dreams; to have a purpose

My friend responded that these were pretty good reasons for spending that time away from the kids and all logical reasons why this decision should also benefit them. I was not convinced. My other friend asked me to pen down what my definition of a good mother was. She suggested that perhaps my struggle was because of a clash between my child (the part of me that still carries messages from my childhood) and my adult (my present, rational self) and it was time to address this. Being a student of Transactional Analysis therapy, I understand that there comes a time when we become so aware of the patterns we keep repeating that they need to be addressed and so I accepted the next challenge, which was to pen down my definition of a ‘Good Mother.’ Here goes:

1.       One who is ‘present’ with her children. Gives them full attention and response with focused eye contact, body language and words.

2.       One who disciplines them when required, gives them values, teaches the difference between right and wrong.

3.       One who is there to soothe them when they are upset, kiss their ouchies, wipe their tears, massage away their aches and pains.

4.       One who is not always with them but provides them with the security to know that she WILL always try her best to be there as soon as possible. And until then, gives them the confidence in their own ability to cope on their own.

5.       One who exposes them to all that the world has to offer, encourages them to be confident enough to go get what they want and be okay if they don’t get it all the time.

6.       One who teaches them to give it their best, to never stop trying, to know that nothing is beyond their reach and yet one who is willing to throw out all rules and schedules every now and then to dance in the rain and eat donuts for dinner.

7.       One who is not afraid to show her kids that it is OK to be human – to cry once in a while, to lose some, to make mistakes and to say sorry. For it is only then that children learn that when you get knocked down, you can get up again and when you fail, success is just around the corner.

8.       Most of all, one who shows them that love is not shown by the amount of time spent together, but by the type of time spent together and that each minute, the ups, the downs, is worth it because it is part of the journey called life.

There are plenty of stay-at-home moms who are there at home every day with their kids, who make it to every extracurricular activity and every classmate’s birthday party. But do they really make their time with their kids count more than I do? I am up with my kids every morning, dress them, eat brekkie with them and give them Reiki before school. I coordinate their activities and meals while at work and have made it to every performance, award ceremony and PTM that any of them have ever had. I rush back from work to ensure I am the one who bathes them, feeds them and puts them to bed with a story and our nightly prayers. Our weekends are choc-a-block with activities like swimming, cycling at India gate, movies and play dates.

Every mom has a different parenting style except for one thing – we all do what we feel is best for our children. So if I am doing my best, what more can my kids ask for? When I look at them, they are happy, healthy, curious, all-rounded children. I turned from Marketing professional to Birth Professional because motherhood inspired me to support other moms. Now if only I could extricate myself from that loyal best friend – Guilt, life would be its chaotic, mad, fun, perfect best. Cut yourself some slack Supermom!

My heart belongs to Daddy…because Daddy….he treats it so well….

Today I’m no Supermom. No Superwife. No Superworker. I’m just a little girl wondering where her Papa went. Today 6 years ago, God stole him from me. I tell my kids the reason why their Nana is not there is because God wants all the best people with him, but honestly that’s bullshit. There is no logical or otherwise, reason why my family was stripped off our central character; the glue that kept us together. We are not the richest, not the luckiest, not the smartest – but we were the happiest little family in the world.

How can somebody so real, so vibrant, so ALIVE just disappear off the face of this earth? It is an unfathomable thought. My father was surrounded by a constant buzz – he had a HUGE circle of friends and we had a large family who all gathered around him like bees to honey…that was just his way. His sheer energy attracted people and our lives were full of people, activities, laughter, love and new –ness. Papa was interested in so many things. He was a suave and sophisticated dresser. What I never appreciated earlier are the things I am amazed to discover now that they fit into my world – his wardrobe had aviators, leather bomber jackets, every kind of watch, pen and gadget of that time and of course matching shoes, socks, ties, hankies to everything. He loved music, food, port, cigars – all the things I associate with a worldly, dashing, charming man…only I never knew it then!

What I did know was that he was unfailingly, unequivocally, madly, blindly, in love with me. Girls spend their whole lives looking for the man of their dreams, that one man who would do anything for them, but what we don’t realise is, we already have them – our Fathers. We look and look and look and of course we don’t find. We find other amazing men, but not that ONE who is the Hero of our dreams; after all, who can compete with the one man who helped us understand what a man’s love was anyway? How can this adult man compete with the Papa who called his daughter princess, kissed her ouchies better, beat up the boys who came to date her, gave her away (protesting loudly) to another man, watched her become a mother? Papa’s hands were the warmest, his embrace the most secure, his voice the most soothing and without these things, I run from pillar to post trying to prove myself so I can get his attention….only to know that this is futile for he is gone.

My heart aches when I think of all that he has missed, that he is missing, that he will miss. He would have loved all the happy times, stood solidly strong against the sad and booed the scary ones away. But more than anything, I miss being my Papa’s little girl. Today, 6 years ago, his little girl was forced to grow up.

I envy those big business families who immortalise their parents through their family’s work. I neither have the money, nor the bandwidth. But in the name of my father, I live everyday. I work everyday. I try everyday. I grow everyday. And I know for my Papa, that would be enough.

Siblings - Partners from the Womb....

                                          

My new year’s resolution is to write my blog at least twice a week. It April already and this is my first post! I’ve had a lot to adjust to….a new job, kids going into new classes, lots of studying to arm myself with more information, more expertise and so more to offer my clients. I feel good this morning, in the quiet of my home before I leave for work. The kids have left for school, Man of my Dreams on his way to the office, Source of all Wisdom is peacefully asleep next door, the staff are cleaning the house, the birds are chirping. All in my little empire is well.

What plays on my mind however this morning, are my kids and their relationship with one another. I always wanted one of each – a little boy and a little girl – the perfect family not because the world says so but because of my own history. Having a brother completed me. Our relationship prepared me to deal with so much – the opposite sex in general, working in a team, healthy competition, unconditional love. How amazing is it to have someone in your life who understands your history watches and contributes to your growth and shares your life from start to finish. Siblings are the longest intimate relationship that anyone can have. Not to say that siblings can’t be highly annoying, very often put a spoke in your wheel and most of our lives, we treat our siblings as our personal punching bags.

My brother and I were fiercely protective about each other – against our parents and the world at large. We shared a room till we were in our teens which created an atmosphere of companionship and fun. It taught us to share, to adjust and to love unconditionally. I grew up to be this maternal creature because of him and he was cossetted and cuddled as a consequence. I took full advantage of having a baby brother – he was a superdog one day, a bridegroom in a pretend wedding another, the office boy in my thriving business and he never once complained! Because I work in birth, I marvel at the thought of siblings coming from the same place, growing in their mother’s womb and I wonder if they leave messages for each other….the first ones giving warnings to the ones to come!

I do see similar traits in my kids as well but they fight like crazy and this worries me. Will they grow up to be the type who never speak to each other? Will they grow up to look the other way when an outsider attacks them? Will they not band together in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer till Man of my Dreams are long gone and death do them part? I hope not because we view life long partnerships as those of husbands and wives but we don’t give enough credit to those longer relationships which can be even more powerful. I live next door to my brother and rarely see him. Every day I miss him life crazy. My children tease me that he’s my number one ‘small baby’ and he is. But I know that when it counts, he is there for me as I am for him. I can only wish the same for my children and more…May they value their partnership till the end of time; for they started in the same place – inside me.

How a Real Mom Beat Cancer for the Love of her Child

Today I wanted to share a very special story about a very special Supermom... a real story about Heather Von St James and how she beat Cancer to see her little girl Lily grow up. Our kids give us the strength and power to be Superheros we never thought we could be and Heather's story is one which shows that if we believe, I mean really believe, we can overcome any odds, challenges, difficulties, even physical illness....

Read further and click on the link below to hear Heather's story right from her heart...May those of us who need the strength and persevearance to plough forward through tough times reinstill our sense of belief and hope through Heather and Lily....

Heather Von St James is a guest blogger for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance.

Heather was 36 years old and raising her new daughter, Lily, who was just 3 1/2 months old when Heather was diagnosed with Mesothelioma.  As any mother would, she knew she needed to fight to be part of the 2% of people who survive the disease. Heather did everything it took, including the most extensive treatments, and missing the whole 6th month of Lily's life while she was in Boston for surgery.

The reason Heather blogs about her experience is to help other moms who may be going through a similar situation to her own. She wants to help as many people as possible by sharing her story.

Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance Blog. to read the rest of Heathers courageous story.

Teaching our kids to be Self Aware

I recently attended a TA 101 workshop. TA or Transactional Analysis is 'a rational approach to understanding behaviour and is based on the assumption that all induviduals can learn to trust themselves, think for themselves, make their own decisions, and express their feelings. Its principles can be applied on the job, in the home, in the classroom- wherever we deal with people' Born to Win; Muriel James.

This course was extremely valuable for me and the multiple hats I wear - Parent, Team Leader, Holistic Practitioner, Daughter, Mother, Sister and Friend. Although the course which goes over a few months has just begun, it has already started making me aware of who I am, what has made me think, feel and act in certain ways, what motivates and drives me and most important - the consequences that my actions have on myself and on others. Self awareness, self understanding, self accepting and through that, self confidence are crucial to surviving in this tough, scary, competitive world that our generation lives in.

Our generation feels so much pressure, so much stress that we have been hit by the highest rates of infertility, cancer, breakdown of endocrine and digestive systems, skin disease and depression that have ever faced this earth. We have no coping skills to manage our emotions, balance life, believe in ourselves and in others around us. We are inundated by negative feelings of self inadequace, self doubt, guilt, anger, sadness and the consequences of these feelings are constant games that we play with ourselves and with the people we interact with. As a generation, we are adept at manipulating, bullying, coaxing, cajoling, crocodile crying as a means to our end. On the contrary, we challenge those positive emotions of pride, love, happiness; not believing that we are deserving of them, not believing that we are worthy. These coping mechanisms and tools are engrained in us from our childhood by the interactions we have and the messages (both verbal and non-verbal) that we receive from the people around us. As Parents and as Teachers, we have the power to shape the next generation, honing their skills to cope, to lead full and happy lives and so this is a job that must be taken seriously.

I was proud to hear that my children's school Step by Step World is taking this on. Number One and I were chatting at bedtime as we always do, exchanging stories about our day and he told me about 'Reflection Time'. I was ready for him to rattle off how him and his classmates recited a re-cap of all that they covered in class that day but I was pleasantly surprised. He said they discuss the things that they did in that day that they are happy about and would like to repeat and those that they are not happy about and promise to never do again. Here was my 6 year old son candidly talking about himself, tthinking about his actions, their impact, the things he was proud of and the things he needed to work on -  I was still too scared to admit this stuff to myself, forget out loud to someone else. Talk about self awareness!

As adults, we can keep working on ourselves, assuring ourselves that we are OK. As Parents and Teachers, we have a more important role, to teach our kids the same thing and to instill in them at an early age, the importance of belief in oneself, in others, the power of the messages we send out. I recommend TA certification for all teachers but until then - well done SBS - you're on the right track!

Matters of the Heart

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The tears are streaming down my face so hard, I can barely see what I am writing. Its been months since I have written a blog although there is so much to share. I don't see tears as weakness, I see them as strength. The ability to emote, to feel, to relieve. And so I let them come as I continue to write.

This blog, I dedicate to the heart. The most important organ in the body, the symbol which is associated with the deepest emotion - love. When I was growing up, I thought the feelings of the heart were limited to love of the romantic kind; every teenager faces their own share of heart ache and heart break. As I grew up I realised how much more is associated with the heart.

The heart enables you to love your near and dear ones with a depth of emotion described only as 'with ALL of my heart'. The heart is the part of your body that physically aches when you see a loved one in pain, sadness or any state of upset. My heart is that part of me that throbs with joy when I look at my children. My heart is that part of me that looks at Man of my Dreams and still skips a beat. My heart is that part of me that looks at my 30 year old brother and still sees a little boy clutching at my pyjamas, scared of the dark. My heart is that part of me that is still trying to come to terms with losing my father, the most generous, loving, loyal, helpful, obsessed-with-me person I ever knew. My heart is that part of me that wants to protect my mother, give her joy, happiness and peace and at the same time the part that wants to run to her and hide in her lap.

I pride myself on being an average woman from a simple family. We are good people, we work hard, we play hard, we love hard. We are blessed with family who are good friends and good friends who are family. We have always had more than what we needed and yet, not everything we wanted (as that list is endless for everyone!!) My brother and I are lucky to have parents who's hearts are larger than life and our legacy from them will always be the lessons they have taught us, the values they have given and in their two very different ways, the love that they envelope us in.

Life is an ironic piece of work. My father died of a heart attack five years ago and my mother has a condition called restrictive cardiomyopathy which is a type of heart failure. So what I'm hearing is, my parents have both been hit by heart disease because their hearts are not strong enough to do the job they are supposed to. What I'm telling you is - this is SHEER BULLSHIT. My father loved with so much of his heart that he needed to get it re-energised. From his perch up there, he is even more powerful to take care of all of us. The strength of my mother's heart transfered to her kids and grandkids and so it is a little weaker and now it is our job to be her battery chargers; giving back a little of the surplus love she has given us.

I've had my fair share of terror, pity parties, angst at the world at large over the past few weeks but here is my overall conclusion. Some people have to grow up faster than others and thats ok  because we were blessed with more than our share of shelter and love as children. Some people have more responsibilities earlier in life and thats ok because our coping mechanisms get honed faster. Some people have shorter durations with those that they love and thats ok too becuase that time is far more love-packed than those who  might have entire lives together. God only dishes out to the ones he thinks are strongest, the ones he loves the most, becuase we can take it; we are not just fighters, we are also lovers. I would not trade who I am, where I've come from or where I'm going for anything. I'm right here where I'm meant to be and I'm ready to take on anything that comes my way; for I was born to the King and Queen of Hearts.

Father's Day - Hallmark gimmick or day of recognition?

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There is so much discussion whether calendar days like 'Mother's Day', 'Father's Day', 'Valentines Day etc are just a way for card and gift companies to make money. The argument is, why segregate one particular day to say you love someone? To make them feel special? This should be an everyday norm. Everyday should be Father's Day, Mothers Day, Valentines Day and so on. This is absolutely correct; the argument is sound. However, in today's day and age, we are so busy getting through the day, the week, the month, the year with our to-do-lists and goals to achieve that we fail to appreciate those relationships that help carry us through... and so if these 'special days' have been defined by Hallmark or Archies or whoever, I thank them for giving us a reason to celebrate those relationships. To mark the date in our Outlooks, Blackberrys, iphones or whatever the latest gadget is we use to remind ourselves of those things which technically we should never forget - to tell someone you love them.

Man of my Dreams tore his Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) playing soccer a few weeks ago and since then has proceeded to ruin my sabbatical by being the most demanding, cry baby patient which men tend to be. Out the window went my grand plans of lunching with friends, hours in the salon, working out in the gym and spending time with the kids. Now it was ensuring he was iced every two hours, keeping his leg elevated, entertaining the stream of visitors who came to see him and being the single parent keeping the kids out of his hair during the long summer holidays.

Having Man of my Dreams down really awakened me to how involved he was in activities relating to the house and kids (when my key gripe was that he didn't do enough). Suddenly all those things I took for granted like dealing with certain household issues, doing his share of taking the kids here and there was all down to me. The kids missed their usually boistorous Dad and got increasingly frustrated at his inability to do things (yes, kids do not understand it when parents can't do things; they should be infallible). All in all, Man of my Dreams is a major character in our household drama who needs to be fit as a fiddle for the play to go on. I don't tell him this usually and I don't know why. Maybe this is something I have just discovered after 10 years of marriage or maybe I just get lost in those to-do-lists.

We took him out for lunch today, our first outing as a family since this had happened and it was really nice. The kids made him cards and they were aware that this was an occaision to tell their Dad how special he is. We show our kids everyday that they are loved, wanted, appreciated but we don't often tell our Parents and as couples, we don't often tell each other. If it takes a 'calendar day' to teach my kids to make time for someone they love and give them a special treat, them i'm all for it!

 I want to tell Man of my Dreams today, with all of you as witness, that I think he is one of the best fathers I know. He only competes with one other - my own. So on this Father's Day I also take a moment to remember my precious Papa, who was no doubt the Strongest. For one more chance with him, I would make everyday, Father's Day.